“He said it’s all in your head, and I said so’s everything, but he didn’t get it…”
Reality is such a funny concept. We all agree that there are existing structures and systems, but how do we really know we are all seeing the same thing? Experiencing the same thing? Being impacted by the same tragedies and horror? How do two people walk into the same situation and leave it with two different perspectives? And why do we spend so much time arguing with each other over whose perspective is right?
All we know is what we think. We cannot, with any measurement of confidence, actually know what is happening in someone else’s thought process. We can see the brain and how some of it works, but we can’t see the connections that get made or the assumptions that get laid out. All we can do is ask the person to be honest, and take them at their word that they are. But I’m sure so many of you know— that’s a quick and easy way to get your heart ripped out and your booty stomped on.
No one is fully honest. If you are honest with yourself, then you know there are parts of you that don’t need to see the light of day… the pettiness, jealousy, insecurity, competitiveness, and selfishness. It is healthy to feel the range of all emotions, but feeling an emotion DOES NOT mean that you are required to ACT on the emotion. I can admit to myself that I feel jealous, but I can also choose to act in jealousy or act in reason. I am responsible for the creation of my reality. If you are honest with other people, then there are parts of you that you have chosen to hide from others, which isn’t honesty at all. That is a major thing that I noticed with people who constantly pride themselves on “being honest”— they are THE MOST oblivious when it comes to their own issues and shortcomings. They are brutally honest about how they see the world, but are wearing blinders when it comes to their own behavior and motivations. And they do not take kindly to having that pointed out.
It’s all a matter of cognitive distortion— thinking habits that are typically negative in tone and often inaccurate in content. This is the example they gave when I was in school— Imagine you are walking down the street, and you see a friend across the street. You wave to say “Hi” but they just keep walking down the street. Cognitive distortions will then start to fill in all sorts of scenarios— “Oh man, are they mad at me? Are they ignoring me? Did I do something? What if they hate me? Why would they hate me now? Maybe they’re trying to cut me out? I bet all of my other friends hate me too. I’m such a burden and an awful friend and human so that’s probably why they didn’t say hi.”
That’s a lot of very quick and very negative thoughts that all bombard you at the same time and make reality seem distorted or different. Next thing you know, you backed off because you thought they were mad, but they weren’t mad at all and all of a sudden you aren’t friends anymore but neither of you can figure out why. You create all these stories about what is happening, but you don’t take the moment to list off some of the more likely scenarios that happened.
*SO* What else could it have been?
What if they didn’t see you? What if they were busy with their own stuff? What if they saw you before you saw them and they waved and you didn’t see? What if they are running late and couldn’t stop? What if they were struggling that day and didn’t have any leftover spoons to even wave hello? What if it had absolutely nothing to do with you at all?
So that’s my request this week- next time you start assuming about someone else’s behavior, ask yourself, “What are some reasons they could be acting like that which have NOTHING to do with me? Why do I feel the need to take this on personally?” Everything is all in your head— your reality, your perception, your beliefs, your thoughts— so don’t get lost in someone else’s maze trying to figure it out. Be honest with yourself and kind to others- we all deserve a little grace with our honesty.