I think people underestimate the energy it takes to be emotionally supportive. There are many accurate descriptions and experiences for physical support— active, tangible things that people can do to assist other people. But the much harder task— and the much more exhausting task— is simply listening and caring about other people’s problems. Like most other mental and emotional tasks, there is a underlying philosophy that there must be a way to measure and demonstrate value. If value can’t be seen or felt, then it isn’t worthwhile. For instance, people will spend hours at the gym perfecting their muscles, but will ignore therapy to process childhood trauma and keep wondering why they have trouble getting a date. Muscles fade, but unresolved trauma is disturbingly persistent.
People practice of giving CPR and rescue breathing, but much fewer people practice being a supportive friend or family member. The usual responses I hear are either “I didn’t know what to say” or “I didn’t want to say the wrong thing”.
But is the better option really “I just walked away and didn’t do anything because I prefer my friend suffer alone than be uncomfortable myself”?
I get it- it’s hard as hell to watch someone struggle. It’s heartbreaking to walk with someone through grief or trauma, and it takes a lot of practice to learn how to process those feelings and not take them home with you. You are also not required to be a good support system to anyone— but then nor do you have the right to demand support from someone else. Not everyone is equipped to handle such situations or well-suited to offering advice and support— but no one is born knowing how to walk or speak either… It’s all a matter of practice and intention.
I admit to a preoccupation with “fairness”. I have a hard time allowing hypocrisy in behavior, and this is one of those topics that constantly pings that trigger. My general theory is that you are allowed to choose to do whatever you would like- what to be, what to do, how to dress, who to love, how to identify. BUT that means that the same must be true from both sides. If you are not able to be a good support system, then that is fine— if you choose to not develop that skill and spend your time, focus, and money on developing other skills— then you are completely within your right to do that. However, you now have no right to demand support from other people who DID spend the time and energy to learn this. Don’t come to me with your shit if I can’t come to you with mine— especially when I am not being paid to be a therapist, but rather a friend.
But if you want to walk with me through life’s seasons, then I will walk with you. I will hand you weapons to fight your own demons, I’ll listen even when I don’t agree, and I’ll give you the truth when it’s necessary and comfort when it isn’t kind. You need to do your own work to slay the predators of pain, but I will be waiting behind you with paper tigers to back you up.