“The awkward colt often becomes a beautiful horse” is an old Irish proverb that I stumbled upon when I was deep in my teen angst years. I had written it in my journal, and even created a design for a tattoo that I was going to get of this quote when I turned 18. I was so desperately hoping that one day I would look in the mirror and see someone beautiful, or graceful, or just accepted. It’s really hard to go through your whole life and feel at odds with the reflection you see. The reflection in the mirror is brutally honest, and you owe that person in the mirror the best of your effort. No one is perfect, so looking for perfection in your reflection will leave you permanently unsatisfied.
So I tried to change what I was looking at, and looking for, when I looked in the mirror. Instead of seeing all of the flaws and the ways that I was not good enough, I started thinking about the choices I made that day. See, looks fade— and pretty freaking quickly in the grand scheme of things. If the average person lives to be 80, then you really only have MAYBE 20 good years of “ideal” looks? If you are extremely lucky to get good genes, then maybe the full 20, but I would guess most of us relate to the decade or so in our 20s when our “looks” and “bodies” were in prime condition. But then for some reason, we spend the rest of our lives bemoaning and berating ourselves for experiencing the inevitability of time. I realized that this practice was not only wasting my precious time, but reinforcing cognitive distortions I already had about myself— that I wasn’t pretty enough or good enough or thin enough. A self-defeating cycle, and I was determined to shed most if not all of those nutty distortions when I left the insanity of my 20s.
Now when I look in the mirror, I think about what choices I made that day, that week, that month. Did I do something good even when no one was watching? Was I honest and compassionate? Was I a good representative of who I want to be? Would I be proud of my behavior if someone were to ask about it? Did I try my best and put effort in making the right choice? If so, then my reflection can smile back at me. Listing all the ways that I feel good about my choices, my behaviors, and my actions (the things you can actually control!) makes me feel beautiful. Kindness is beautiful, generosity is beautiful, and compassion is beautiful. People who give those traits back to the world are beautiful.
And when I am done reminding myself that my actions are more important that my looks, I can straighten my shoulders, shake out my hair, give the tits a jiggle and walk out of the door feeling better about myself and the world.