“I am under no obligation to make sense to you”
A quote by the Mad Hatter and adopted by Neil DeGrasse Tyson that is all at once aggressive but freeing.
It’s a new concept coming from a small town in the Midwest- that I don’t owe anyone an explanation for my behavior or a justification for my existence. There is no one I have to prove my productivity to, and there are only goals in my life that I’ve set myself— but that doesn’t stop the young kid inside of me from feeling a sense of guilt or shame when I take a step outside the bounds of “normal”. For me growing up, money was the name of the game— money made you a winner, made you powerful, and made you impervious to judgment of others. Money meant success, and all efforts to be “successful” should be taken advantage of. Anything less than achieving the status of “financially secure” meant failure on all scopes- professionally and personally.
But I’m a social worker.... and my husband is a teacher... So there is absolutely zero money to be made in either of those fields. The two jobs consistently voted the most stressful and also the lowest pay rate. So as I grew up and it became apparent that money would never be secure area for us as adults, I had to completely shift my thought process- I had to destroy the idea that money meant success, and instead reframe success as something I achieved, something I fought for, and something I could be proud of that was more than just green paper sitting in a virtual account.
Success to me now means getting to a place where I get to have choices- I can choose where and how to work, I can choose what to eat for dinner, I can choose how to spend my free time and how I prioritize my work time. To a lot of people, all of those goals become much easier with money, and that can be true. But those goals can also be achieved in other ways, and mean more in the end because not just anyone can come through and do the same thing with cash in their pocket.
For instance, it was always understood that your home should be impressive. It was very important to me for a long time that my network be impressed when they pulled up to my home- and to me, that meant big home with a lot of land and fancy appliances, the best things that money could buy so I could “show” them that I succeeded. But really, what the important thing is, is to have a home that is safe, secure, and fulfills a purpose for me as I live there. It doesn’t have to be big or fancy or expensive- it just has to be mine. The fresh food and organic produce I want to eat every day doesn’t have to cost me a fortune at the store- I can eat fresh food I grow myself with some time and effort that tastes even better. I watched a minimalism documentary once (Minimalism from Netflix) that said there are fixed costs- there is the cost of living and the income that you make. 9 times out of 10, there is no way you can make more money on demand. However, you can choose how to spend the money you do have. Instead of focusing on making enough money to achieve the lifestyle I want, I can focus on “right-sizing” my lifestyle to match the income I make.
With all that admitted righteousness behind that ideal, there is still a sense of defensiveness I get when my lifestyle isn’t as “grand” as other people. And people in my life judge me for that- for making my own food, making my own bath and cleaning products, living in a smaller home and not prioritizing investments and the stock market. But I have to remember- I am under no obligation to make sense to them. I have no obligation to succeed on their terms, or achieve their goals, or play life according to their tune.
I am obligated to make the best decisions in my own life, and create a world that I can live in where I am not hurting myself or anyone else.
I am obligated to make myself happy, but no one else.
I am obligated to live well, but wealth is not required.
And everyone else can kick rocks 😚