Kayla (other half of Coyote Mint and my best friend for the last 20+ years) introduced me to the dulcet croons of Hall & Oates. I grew up on a lot of Beatles and stoner rock, but Hall & Oates didn’t come until later when we were cruising around the back roads of Indiana, contemplating corn and our futures. Now I am looking at mountains and planning to plant my own corn, and it’s weird how things go full circle like that.
This line always caught me- with my experiences in the social work field showed me that people can treat each other in the most cruel and unusual of ways. Some people get a thrill from damaging everyone around them, and they are relentless in their pursuit to bring everyone down to their childish level. I don’t understand it on a personal level— when I’m hurting, my first instinct is to crawl into a hole by myself until I have figured it out and will crawl back out with a plan. BUT I can empathize with the idea that everyone deals with trauma differently. Some people cannot sit with that feeling, and will do everything they can do ensure that they never feel that way- often times by alcohol, drugs, risky sex, impulse shopping, and the most popular, taking the offensive on hurting others so everyone is now more miserable than they are.
I hate that. I get it- feeling guilty or ashamed sucks HARD and it is an incredibly difficult emotion to manage. You have to look at the poor choices you made in that situation, and do some hard self-reflection on how to improve for next time. But some people want to skip this step entirely- they just want to create a reality in which they didn’t do those things or those things didn’t happen. And they will gaslight you like MAD to ensure that they don’t ever have to face those feelings of insecurity. They will shut down every part of themselves other than anger, because anger feels good. Anger gives you energy and purpose and self-righteous piety that allows you to skip right over guilt and go straight to administering undeserved consequences. Anger is much easier to manage and feels much more productive than guilt or shame, so I get why it’s the preferred response for most people.
But anger is also weak. It is weak, childish, self-indulgent, and a waste of time for the most part, considering that most frustrating conversations can be easily solved with open and honest communication. You know who doesn’t spend a lot of time with anger? People who are able to clearly ask for what they want, and are willing to work to get it. Communication is the foundation to all healthy relationships, and it is such an essential skill that we seem to skip out teaching our children entirely. In school, we teach them to be quiet because their opinions are always wrong or poorly informed. But then we are shocked and disappointed when kids grow up without knowing how to stand up and advocate for themselves or others.
So here is my challenge to you this week— try to ask for exactly what it is you want. Be open to compromise and flexibility and schedules, but just ask! My husband and I would get into this roundabout every night about what we wanted to do or what we wanted to watch. Neither of us had strong opinions about it, but we also didn’t want to make a unilateral decision. We spent, ohhh, maybe 10 years just staring at each other, each knowing what we wanted to watch but neither of us being willing to inconvenience the other with our wishes.
WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.
So we decided on a new tactic- throw your dream offer on the negotiation table. You throw your dream on, I throw my dream on, then we find the parts that work together and create a plan around that. So I’ll ask, “If you could do anything you wanted and I wasn’t part of the decision at all, what would you do right now?”
Usually, it’s “Play a video game.”
Then I say “Well I want to read a book for an hour then watch Archer when I’m getting dinner ready.”
So, our night becomes an hour of him playing games while I read a book, then we switch over to my choice for dinner prep, then re-negotiate for the dinner time movie option. I could’ve put the hammer down, or he could’ve just started playing games without coordinating with me, but that just leads to anger and resentment and bitterness. Instead, we both asked for what we wanted, then worked together to find a solution that satisfied all of our needs.
I cannot emphasize enough how LITTLE we fight about where to eat or what to watch or what activity to do now that we use this method— we don’t feel disrespected by our partner because they don’t listen, we don’t feel like a beta in a partnership, and we each get to spend time doing the things we enjoy without guilt.
Try it!! It takes practice and it might help to write things down at first if you need practice being honestly communicative, but just try it out and see how much better it feels to not only ask, but also GET what you want just by being genuine.