I was never one to have a favorite band— there were bands I liked, but my preference for music is motivated entirely by mood and one artist just doesn’t quite cut the mustard on the range of emotions I need to go through… until I heard Glass Animals. I don’t what voodoo magic that man creates, but i cannot keep my body still or my mouth from smiling when I hear any of their songs. Their albums manage my anxiety, improve my mood, and keep me moving during the day. Other than the music itself which is iconic, their words resonate so unexpectedly, including this quote.
I was too scared of being a “face” where I grew up. The expectations were too much, and I didn’t have a ton of examples of alternative ways to be “successful”. I was expert level at presenting one character while really living as another. My therapist (the 3rd one I went to and BY FAR the most effective) told me to put down my armor— nothing was getting accomplished or resolved in my family because we are all wearing armor all the time to protect ourselves. But I felt like my option was to wear my armor and continue living a charade, or to put down my armor and get just absolutely annihilated by the arguments and disagreements and vitriol that I was living in. So what to do? I understood that armor was bad, but if my other option is emotional death, isn’t it better to wear the armor??
Turns out I needed space. I needed emotional and physically space to figure out who I was WITHOUT the armor, and who I could develop into once I stopped having to watch my back constantly. I need to crawl out of the broken bits of shell into the sunlight and go “FUCK THAT’S BRIGHT” but keep going anyway. I needed to make choices and engage in behaviors that weren’t valued at home, and I needed to be physically far enough away to feel comfortable lowering my weapon. That’s not the solution for everyone— people can travel the entire world and still be running from the demons inside of them. Every year I am out West doing my own thing on my own terms, I feel a little bit more settled and genuine, which means to me that I am in the right place and doing the right thing.
The trick is when I have to go back… I could be brave and authentic and go back saying “This is me, deal or kick rocks”. But that only leads to arguments, and it seems pointless to spend a limited amount of time once a year arguing with people who believe differently on a basic, philosophical level. They aren’t interested in changing, but neither am I. So I started noticing the feeling of slipping on a mask when I have to pick up that role again. Not completely changing my entire character, but more Ike putting a filter on it to make it more palatable to interact with everyone. The first year or was pretty easy— I spent 28 years wearing the mask, so I was pretty freaking quick about putting it on and acting the show. But by years 3 and 4… it started to itch. It started to be a giant, unnecessary illusion to perpetuate in order not to upset people who actively engaged in behavior I disagree with. And people who in no way extended the same courtesy to me— so what is the point? Why should both parties pretend to have a good time when both parties are actually miserable? The bonds of family come with a lot of expectations, and almost none of them make logical sense.
So year 5 is gonna be different- I’m gonna go back to a face, no more mask. I’m going to try my best to be genuinely me, and to not put the armor back on. I’m gonna go into visits with an open mind and understand deeply that no one wants to be converted from their beliefs. I have the capabilities and tools now to manage my own emotions, and to not internalize things that are said. And if I get hurt in the process? Then I pat myself on the back for being the kind of human that gets to experience the entire range of emotions. I’m not sure where the idea that emotions are weakness came about, but the scariest thing you can ever do is be okay being vulnerable or emotional in the moment. Do you have any idea the strength of character it takes to cry when you need to without shame? Everyone tries to shut emotions down because it makes them uncomfortable- but finding strength and peace in the uncomfortable feelings is what ultimately make you strong. And I’m done with people trying to convince me otherwise. I get to be my own face and feel my own emotions and process shit in my own way- and that is nothing to be ashamed of.