Wondering. Pondering. Thinking. Mulling. Considering. Overthinking. Ruminating. Obsessing.
All a part of the process. At least my process. My process is to think everything to death and make plans for each and every crazy emergency scenario that comes up. I call it my Terminator Brain- the part of my brain that is constantly calculating odds and statistics and managing stimuli and assessing needs. It is a very cold and logical part of my brain that very quickly and very clearly gets to the solving portion of the problem- often without consideration to feelings, cost, or general social etiquette. It knows what it needs to do in order to complete the mission and fulfill the objective in the most efficient way possible, and it doesn’t much care who gets stepped on in the process. It cares about winning and going home alive at the end of the night, Krav Maga style.
Useful? Yes. Healthy? Not particularly.
Then there is this mushy, emotional, FEELING part that just absolutely insists on being a part of the picture. I tried for a long time to pretend like it didn’t exist, but if you won’t let it out voluntarily, it’s the kind of shit that will gnaw its way out of your guts and leave nothing untouched. It’s the crazy emotions that catch you at weird times or make stressful situations worse- all that stuff you shoved down is just waiting to come up and make an appearance, and will wait until you are weak and vulnerable to strike. It’s the part of you that feels guilty, responsible, or that cares for other people and the world. It’s the part that believes in humanity and is always so damned disappointed when humanity chooses not to believe in itself.
Useful? Less so. Healthy? More so.
SO i decided I was done living with that ticking time bomb in my head constantly. I had to find a different and BETTER way to process all of the emotion so I could make a more logical decision. BUT i needed to keep some emotion and humanity in the process- making decisions based purely on numbers and logic might be safe, but it also can make you miss big opportunities and once in a lifetime chances. It’s never good to be all of one thing— it’s essential that there is balance and compromise between all the different selves that you are at any one time.
So I let my Terminator Brain think.
And I let my Empath Heart feel.
Then I take a nap while they duke it out in the SuperSmash arena of my subconscious.
And then I make the decision that leads me where I want to go on a path that allows me to continue living in peace with myself. It’s as complex and as simple as that.