My new home is about an hour away from the city, so there have been some good car rides that are the perfect length of time to experience an album. The full album, start to finish, just as the artist intended you to experience it. I was raised in the era of Limewire and Bearshare and Pirate Bay and burning CD mixes for the car- very rarely did I listen to an entire album by an artist. But as time goes on and I become more patient, I’ve been revisiting some old albums that used to jam out to- one being Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morisette. Now, as any good Millennial Woman will tell you, Alanis is the voice of all teen angst. She plucked all the feelings and thoughts and confusion from my head and paired it with all the frustration of being a kid with no real power to change their current circumstances. I rediscovered this song during my graduate degree program, and it felt SO GOOD to hear that I wasn’t the only one feeling that way.
It felt like from day to day, from any given moment, I could be feeling one way and then feeling the totally opposite way. I felt overwhelmed but also incredibly bored- I felt like I could handle anything that came my way, but then when it would, I would panic and drop the balls. I would be starting-at-the-wall depressed, then my husband would come home and have me rolling on the floor laughing. I felt like my brain couldn’t decide what it wanted to be and what identity it wanted. Then my therapist asked me a question that seemed so simple but changed my life— “Why does what you feel have to be what you are?”
And DANG she was right… Why does what I feel day to day dictate who I am as a person? Sometimes people have shit days- the alarm didn’t go off, there was a traffic jam, you spilled coffee on your crotch and it turns out you forgot your lunch at home. That day is REALLY FREAKING FRUSTRATING and just because I feel very angry does not mean I am an angry person or someone who always feels frustrated.
Sometimes I have very sad days. I don’t have the energy or will to move or shower or complete any of my daily tasks and chores. There is no reason behind it, just a boulder that sits on my chest and makes me weep for hours, only relenting to allow panic attacks in. When I first started experiencing this overwhelming feeling, I was promptly put on medication and sent to therapy. After several therapy failures and even more medication failures, I developed a sort of pride about my depression. It was an identity I could have that would connect me to other people while also making me “unique” in a way that every teenager desperately craves. After finally finding the right therapist, I was able to work through what I needed to and came out on the other side able to function day to day without medication. But I hesitated to drop the cloak of “depression”— I felt like if I didn’t carry that diagnosis around, then I would have no justification for self-care on the days when my brain chemistry goes out partying. I could either say I’m depressed and have the excuse on the bad days, or I could say I’m not and have to explain over and over again when I need to recover.
All-or-nothing doesn’t serve anyone, or so I learned when she asked me that question. All of a sudden, it clicked that I could just FEEL and EXPERIENCE my true and honest feelings without guilt or attaching additional importance to it. I could just be sad that day, say I am sad and need self-care, and then do what I need to do to re-stabilize my sanity. I don’t need to subscribe to an entire identity facet, I don’t have to fit into a list of symptoms, and I don’t owe anyone else an explanation as to why I need to take care of my mental health. I can be angry and then let it go. I can be depressed and then let it go. I can be jealous or envious or scared and then let it go when it’s done. I can let the feeling wash over me, experience it, and then let it drain back out of me when it’s done. I can’t help what my feelings are- but I can absolutely control how much they affect my life and my relationships.
There is no “always” when it comes to people- people change as circumstances change, so don’t be afraid to feel a lot of conflicting things. It won’t make any sense in the moment, but when the storm clears, you’ll understand why you needed to go through this and be so appreciative of the moments that are calm and peaceful. Just because you FEEL it, doesn’t mean you ARE it.